Dear Advy,
I am a partner at my firm and am doing my best to model the behavior I would like to see in the office. This includes anything related to physical and mental health – I want to ensure the associates and legal professionals at the office understand that their wellness is a priority and isn’t just lip service. Here is the issue – a fellow partner at the firm becomes uncomfortable when I mention wellness with staff and will often make off-hand comments and jokes if I show any compassion or even share my own experiences. While I don’t take his remarks personally, I can see his comments have a real effect on the associates. They become less willing to share and seem a bit more closed off afterwards. I want to approach this delicately with my fellow partner as I suspect he may have gone through his own issues, and the comments are his way of dealing with it. Can you please suggest some ways to address the situation?
Sincerely,
Delicate Dilemma
Dear D.D.,
Thank you for doing your part to improve the way your firm supports your employees’ mental health and well-being!
You have noticed this partner’s comments and the effect he seems to have on staff and lawyers in your office who are trying to be more open about how they are doing. You’re right that it is important to try to resolve the problem before his actions scupper all your efforts and your firm’s efforts to make work a better place to be. People already have a difficult time asking for help. In fact, we seem to be hardwired to avoid asking others for help even when we need it. Anything that discourages people from seeking help when we need to just makes an already-serious problem worse.
Before approaching your partner about this, try to check in on the associates you have noticed becoming less open after encountering this partner’s comments. Ask open-ended questions. Don’t tie your questions to the partner’s comments, because although you have noticed a correlation between what he has said and their change in behaviour you don’t yet know that his comments are actually causing that shift. There could be any number of factors leading to their reluctance to be open about how they are doing, and this partner’s behaviour may be only a part of it. It is even possible there is no relationship between what this partner says and employees’ willingness to ask for help when help is needed. Tell the people you are talking to how important it is to you to make your firm a supportive, welcoming place for them and you want to know what more you could do. Ask them what they would like to see happen.
Let’s assume for the purposes of this column that when you get that feedback your hypothesis is correct, and it is this partner’s comments that are causing associates and staff to close up about their well-being. What do you do now?
Someone needs to have a difficult conversation with this partner.
I say “someone” needs to have that conversation deliberately. Consider who in your office has the best relationship with this partner. That may be you, but it may be someone else as well. You mention that you think this partner may be responding this way because of his own experience with mental health challenges. That means he may be sensitive to being “called out” for what he has said. It is even possible that he thinks he is being supportive, not harmful, to the work you are trying to do, so there is a chance he may be defensive about what you are noticing. Carefully picking the right person to have this conversation with him is very important.
For more advice about how to have difficult conversations with your co-workers about mental health issues, have a look at a past Dear Advy column. I’m borrowing from that column a bit here, but aside from picking the right person to have the conversation with this partner, remember these points:
- Be Prepared For A Bad Reception.
You are treading on sensitive territory here. If you’re right and the partner has some personal experience with mental health issues, bringing up how his comments harm others in the firm may be shocking to him. The stigma surrounding mental illness is so pervasive in our society that most of us have internalized negative attitudes toward it even if we ourselves have direct experience of how normal it is. This partner may need to work on changing his attitude, but it is not his fault that he has internalized that stigma. We all have.
Don’t expect a mea culpa and a pledge to do better. Expect some pushback when you bring it up. Remember, though, that you are looking for this partner to change his behaviour. No matter what he says in the conversation, it’s what he does (or refrains from doing) afterward that matters. He may never acknowledge you were right. So be it. If his behaviour changes, then the conversation was worth having.
It’s a good idea for you to set up a meeting with a skilled counsellor for yourself. The partner may say things to you that hurt. There’s nothing wrong with proactively setting up an appointment to talk it over with someone who can help you. Check with your local lawyers’ assistance program to line up some free professional help.
- Don’t Expect To Fix This In One Conversation.
As I’ve said many times in this column, persuasion is a long game. You’re aiming to change some habits that may be very ingrained. Your first conversation, as mentioned, may not go well. The partner may not absorb much of what you are saying because his first reaction may be defensive.
The most important thing you can do is to communicate that you are open to talking about this again – and then fulfill that promise by making yourself available. This may mean many short conversations about the problem rather than one big one.
Before you say, “I don’t have time for this” remember your overall goal. You are trying to improve the culture of your firm. Do you know what helps a lot when you’re trying to do that? Allies. This is someone who listens to what you have to say about mental health and well-being in the workplace. This is someone who contributes something to that discussion, although his contribution is flawed. You have an inkling that this person has personal, direct experience with what happens when we don’t maintain our mental health. This person has the potential to help you achieve what you are trying to achieve. The time you spend in conversations with this partner can be an investment in building a more robust movement to change the way your firm works.
While we are on the topic of giving people face-saving opportunities to change how they interact with their co-workers, consider the many training programs out there that can help everyone you work with become more receptive and positive when it comes to mental health. Some lawyer assistance programs will provide training and support in this area, and those are worth checking into. You do not have to do all of this on your own. Among the advantages of outside training, a workshop or other program can help people learn new skills and habits without feeling like they are being singled out.
- Talk About This As “In-Person” As You Possibly Can.
Find a comfortable (or comfortabl-ish), in-person way to talk about this. Be sure to give the partner the ability to end the conversation when he needs to. Don’t corner him in his office with this issue. If in your first discussion of it he needs to leave the room, give him that chance.
If you have succeeded in conveying the message that you’re open to talking about it again, and he asks for a second conversation, consider going for a walk outside with him if the weather permits. Walking side-by-side is less confrontational, and physical movement does wonders for us in making us open to new ideas. Taking the conversation outside or at least away from the office also reassures the partner that you’re not out to embarrass him in front of co-workers.
- Be Open To What He Says and Listen Sincerely.
It’s impossible to know what this partner’s intentions are in saying these things you mention. All you know is that what he is saying seems to be negating your efforts to make your firm a better workplace. He is putting a chill into the office’s well-being environment.
This partner may not grasp how much his status in the firm affects how the messages he is sending are received by more junior lawyers and staff. What he may perceive as harmless jokes can have a serious effect on people who know this person has a say in their future careers; much more than he realizes.
Your immediate goal is to change how this person interacts with others in the firm when it comes to well-being. Be open and curious about what this person thinks. Does he think there’s a generation gap between how people of his vintage approached mental health in the workplace and how more junior members of the profession now approach it? The reality is that those more junior people are there in your firm, so the fact that he has noticed a generational difference is an opportunity to explore how to bridge that gap. Does he think he is giving these junior lawyers “tough love”, i.e., helping them by exposing them to a harsh reality he believes they need to adjust to? That is an opportunity to explore how that impulse to help others adjust to difficult realities could be channeled in a more constructive way.
Listen once; listen twice; listen some more. This person is giving you ideas for how to accomplish the change you want to see in your workplace.
Be well!
Advy