Dear Advy,
I’m articling and already questioning if law is right for me. Is this just part of the process or a red flag? I can’t imagine making changes so late in the game, given how much time and money I’ve already invested into my career.
Sincerely,
Did I Make a Mistake?
Dear DIMAM,
Have you wasted your time and money getting through law school and articling? No.
I’m about to tell you that it’s really hard to be reminded day after day how much you don’t know and how much you need to get help when you’re struggling. That’s true, but then I thought maybe I should take my own advice and admit I’m not the best person to answer your question. Lucky for me, that Best Person was willing to help!
I spoke to Sara Forte. Sara practices in the Vancouver area with Forte Workplace Law. Her firm has offices in British Columbia and Alberta. More to the point, Sara and her firm support a great website called Not Your Average Law Job. It’s a great resource for exploring what they call the “wild and wonderful” variety of work you can do with your degree and your bar call if and when you reach that point. As soon as I saw it, I knew Sara could be a great help answering your letter and she was gracious enough to be willing to talk about it. Incidentally, for more on the subject of crafting your own career in law, you may also want to read this article published recently by the CBA.
Sara and I discussed your letter. She told me “In my experience, articling and starting out to be a lawyer was a (pretty painful) process of finding out there was a lot I didn’t know.” Feeling pretty smart coming into articles after getting good grades in university and law school, it was a big change. “I felt stupid all the time” she says, and thought maybe being a lawyer was not for her. It was only when she talked to a colleague and discovered that she wasn’t alone in feeling that way that she started to feel like, yes, maybe she really did belong in this profession. Looking back on the frustration of learning to be a lawyer she sympathized with what you’re going through.
By the way, what Sara described is something called Imposter Syndrome. If part of what you’re going through is similar to her description of what she went through, you might gain from reading a past letter.
Sara struck a hopeful note. “Learning to be a lawyer is hard.”, she told me, “It will get better.” “Yes,” she added “sometimes it can take a few tries to find the right place for your career.” That doesn’t mean you’re a failure. In answer to your question “Is this part of the process or a red flag?” it’s often part of the process. Just as Sara realized when she talked to a friend, you will probably find that no matter who you talk to, everyone has gone through a time or times when it seemed like they felt “stupid all the time” or unsure sure about their path too. It could be a red flag if you are in an abusive workplace environment or if your health and wellbeing are being impacted negatively. It is important to identify if you are experiencing normal self-doubt or something more serious. Again, see the cautions on that point in the column on Imposter Syndrome mentioned earlier.
One of the key points Sara brought up on reading your letter was mentoring. Find someone, and maybe a group of "someones", who can give you an outside perspective on what you are going through. Many law societies offer formal mentoring programs, as do several provincial branches of the Canadian Bar Association. Sara noted that some of her own best mentoring experiences have come from informal, often one-off conversations she has had with others in the profession. Whether it is through a formal program or just making contact with someone you think could help, mentorship in some form is very helpful especially when your mentor is from outside of the organization you work for. Having that outside perspective can help you determine for yourself whether the problems you are encountering are normal stresses of learning that will pass, reasons to leave practice altogether or just reasons to adjust your practice or your career altogether.
So, approach others. Find out what they went through. See for yourself how many different paths to success there really are in this world beyond the narrow one you may have convinced yourself is the only way. Understand just how normal it is to feel like your whole life up to this point has been a mistake. To answer that little voice inside your head that says, “Don’t bother this busy lawyer with your silly questions!” remember that you’re asking lawyers to talk about themselves. Yes, it may be a bit of a generalization, but you really aren’t imposing on lawyers when you ask them to talk about themselves. That’s kind of our favourite thing to do!
Part of what is complicating this for you is that you are feeling regret for having gotten through pre-law studies, law school, articling, and bar admission, not to mention all the other smaller steps along the way, only to feel now like it was all a waste of time. That hurts.
Regret is a powerful emotion, but it is also something we have collectively decided is something to be ashamed of having. In fact, many of us pretend not to experience regret at all. Someone can become so wrapped up in regret that it impedes their quality of life, yes. However, the problem is not regret itself but how we respond to those thoughts of what "could have been".
I recommend a very good book by Daniel Pink called The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward and I am borrowing from his work here. What you are currently experiencing requires an amazing feat of imagination. You are assessing your own present circumstances, yes, but you are also imagining what an alternate version of you could have done; in this case, as a career choice. That requires both thinking back to some time when you made a decision – that metaphorical fork in the road - and then projecting that alternate history forward from that point. Stop for a minute and give yourself a little credit for an amazing act of creativity.
Use that capacity to imagine an alternate reality to the life you have now. Think about what it is about that alternate reality that you find attractive. Sara’s Not Your Average Law Job website can probably offer you some good inspiration for how things could be different for you, but also imagine scenarios where you aren’t a lawyer. Now look at what it is about your present situation that you dislike. While you’re at it, you should also give some thought to which aspects of your current life that you do like. Odds are no matter how unhappy you are with your current situation, there’s something you do like about it. Make a list of the good points of your current life and of that alternative life you’re imagining.
One word of caution: The expression "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" has some basis in reality. When we imagine another version of reality, we usually don't think about the less-than-enjoyable aspects of it. When you thought about going to law school, chances are there were a lot of mundane aspects of practicing law that you didn't bring to your image of what "law" would be like. I suspect that a good proportion of what makes you dissatisfied with where you find yourself is that dissonance between how you imagined it would be like and how practicing law actually is. Keep in mind as you’re imagining another version of your life where you took a different fork in the road and didn’t go to law school that your perception of those other imagined versions of your life is coloured by the same level of ignorance of what the daily reality of the life that alternate You (or Yous) would be like.
Now, take the list of things you like about the career and life that your alternative version of You has and ask yourself this question: What can I change right now in my real life that would bring me closer to having those aspects of Imagined Me 2.0?
Far from being an emotion to be ashamed of, your regret is providing you with useful information. It is telling you what improvements you want to make in your current life. I’m making up an example here, but if one of the things about your imagined alternative life is that you get to work with a supportive team rather than being isolated and siloed in your current situation, that tells you that positive teamwork is an important value for you and part of what you would find in a satisfying career. It’s almost certain that you have more ability than you think you do to bend, shape, and mould how you do your current job (or an alternate job that you realistically could find) in ways that leave you feeling happier and more fulfilled at the end of the day. Write down what you really could do in your own daily reality that would make life better for you.
I just took you on a tangent away from the great advice that Sara Forte shared with me, but it was a tangent with a purpose. Going through this exercise can help you look at your career in a new light. Might you conclude that you should leave law entirely? Sure. Might you conclude that you want to stay in law but find another firm or company to work for? Of course. Might you decide that actually your current job is okay as long as you make some changes so that, as she puts it, your career “doesn’t suck all the time”? Yup.
“This sounds pretty difficult!” you may be saying. Yes, it is.
Remember the second part of Sara’s advice: You don’t have to do this alone. Aside from the mentoring opportunities she mentioned, remember that your local lawyer assistance program has counsellors and probably peer support volunteers who can help you with this. This is the perfect time to contact them, before your unhappiness with your work situation has developed into full-on burnout. That help is confidential and free. You might as well use it.
One of the beneficial aspects of feeling “stupid all the time” is that it keeps you humble enough to ask for help when you need it. That’s how we humans learn. I have no regrets about calling Sara for help and am so grateful for her great insights. I hope they have helped you too!
Be well,
Advy