Because the word that rhymes with “truck” was taken.

By Tony Wilson

I can safely say I’ve given golf my best shot (so to speak), and I’ve decided to hang up my shoes, retire my clubs and direct my recreational hours to activities that are more exciting than shooting “a wee little ball into a gopher hole 18 ****ing times.”

I really should like golf. I grew up in two different houses in Victoria, both of which were a three iron shot (or less) from the finest courses in B.C. Our first house was directly across the street from the 16th hole at Uplands. At age 11, my buddies and I would golf for free by running through the neighbour’s yard, cutting through some woods and playing a hole or two. But I had just as much fun stealing the balls that landed on the fairway as I did hitting them. A junior membership at 12 made me more honest, but it didn’t compel me to golf more. Our next home was directly across the street from the Victoria Golf Club. But I lost so many balls on the 5th hole there (a Par 4 over a small bay), I figured the scuba divers were having more fun diving for balls than the golfers were hitting them.

Lots of lawyers golf, probably because lots of clients do. I normally golf once a year. I hope to golf way less than that this year. You see, at this point in my life, I need activities that remind me I’m alive, not dead. A well-landscaped golf course could be confused for a cemetery from the air. And from the ground too. I’m sure one day, in the name of good urban planning, they’ll combine the two and call it a “golfatery,” where you could pay your respects to Aunt Mable, and work on your short game too.

It was my brother who made me realize how much I didn’t like golf. He invited me to Phoenix for a long weekend of “golf school,” on his nickel. I thought about it. And then I realized “hey… I’d rather watch paint dry, but thanks anyway.”

Frankly, I need more adrenaline, adventure and, yes, danger than I can ever get with golf. I need to know I could snuff it if my air runs out underwater off Curaçao, or if I catch an edge skiing down the Horstman Glacier on Blackcomb with too much zeal. I need to know that my life is on the line rather than just a bet for beer or money. Perhaps Tiger Woods’ problem wasn’t an addiction to waitresses and sex, but total boredom with golf.

So to boldly go where I’d never gone before, I performed a bit part in the “Lawyers Show” in May and realized what a rush it was to do 49 words of Shakespeare in front of a live audience. I hope to double that next year. Shakespeare, however, won’t eat you, nor will you require the services of a decompression chamber or the Coast Guard if you flub your lines. Preferring my adrenaline with more of a bite, most of you know I did a cageless shark-feeding dive near Nassau in 2008 for all of YouTube to see. What you don’t know is that I’m planning another one in Guadeloupe for 2011, where the Great Whites insist on cages for their humans. In March, I dove in Aruba on a German wreck sunk in WW2 and I’ve booked a dive in Turkey for August.

I ski most weekends in the winter. I sail most weekends in the summer. The Vic-Maui yacht race to Lahaina and the Plymouth-Dakar Car Rally in North Africa are on the very top of my bucket list. So in comparison, golf just won’t cut it unless I’m playing for my life against sharks, Nazis or Bond Villains – or the game is played while jumping off a skyscraper.

Which brings me to my next point. On September 14, I’ll be jumping off a skyscraper. For charity of course. I’ve signed up for The Drop Zone to rappel off 999 West Hasting Street, with all donations going to the Easter Seals, which is an excellent charity that funds programs for children with disabilities.

I think I’ll do it wearing “golfing attire.” You know, to make golf look more exciting.

The 2010 Vancouver Drop Zone will take place on September 14, 2010. If you’ve enjoyed Tony’s columns over the years (and even if you haven’t) please go to www.thedropzone.ca/2009e/ then click on Vancouver under 2010 Event Locations then click on Sponsor a Superhero to sponsor Tony Wilson.

Vancouver Franchise Lawyer Tony Wilson practices at Boughton Law Corporation in Vancouver, and has written for the Globe and Mail, Macleans Magazine and Canadian Lawyer. twilson@boughton.ca | www.boughton.ca/people/lawyers/tony_wilson

This article was published in the June 2010 issue of BarTalk. © 2010 The Canadian Bar Association. All rights reserved.